I hesitated to do this article now because I am 4 months pregnant. I was tempted to stay in my pink bubble and I was afraid to affect the child I am currently carrying with bad memories. At the same time the article was taking shape in my head with everything that happened…
I felt that it still hurt me to think about it and that writing about it now might be better for me and my baby. I feel the importance of the transgenerational’s impact (transmission of traumas from generation to generation, especially with unspoken ones) and my personal experience of holistic care has shown me more than once the importance of letting emotions out, whatever they may be, like storms so that the good weather returns. Otherwise the trauma unconsciously controls us and recreates situations until we understand that we have to look him it the face to let it go… Children feel everything and maybe even more in this situation.
In August 2016 after 2 months of pregnancy, I bleed regularly for several days. My body is gradually deflating, all the signs of a miscarriage are there. I go to the hospital twice and the ultrasounds are not good: small size, no heartbeat and I discover that they are twins who stopped growing at 1 and a half month. I go through the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, negotiation, depression, acceptance, all in disorder as in the lottery.
At the beginning of my pregnancy, several people who didn’t know each other joked : « Oh, maybe it’s twins, » and my reaction was immediate: « Oh, no! ». We were in an uncertain and financially unstable situation, I was not reassured. And at the same time this pregnancy was also an alibi for me not to take a day job. It put a lot of pressure on my husband. I didn’t think it was very fair to him and the child, I felt like I was using them. Moreover, I wanted a 2nd child, not two children at the same time, the concept of twins did not appeal to me at all.
Three solutions were proposed to me: curettage under general anesthesia (What a poetic word!), a capsule to place inside to provoke contractions and get the foetuses out (Great,I’m the executioner and moreover if it doesn’t work, I get a curettage), or let nature do (Awesome! The pending state pregnant but not pregnant with two dead beings in me, Zombiland here I am, impossible to move on ). We had to take the road back home and I couldn’t see myself leaving it hanging. And if the capsule didn’t work, it was two traumas instead of one. I chose the curettage. I had to wait 4 days before being able to have the operation, it was very long, so I was very calm for the operation, I wanted all this to be resolved.
During these 4 days I drew what I was experiencing, inspired by a friend’s art therapy work that I had met during an internship. And so my situation became less ugly, it was softer. I let the tears come out, I explained the situation in a simple and straightforward way to my 3-year-old daughter. My husband and daughter were present and understanding, we exchanged our impressions and feelings about this situation. My husband explained to me that when he found out that I was pregnant, he was happy to have another child and that at the same time the circumstances were not favourable according to him, he was afraid that he would not be able to welcome her as he wanted.
There are surely millions of reasons why a child is not born. Karmic reasons (the soul chooses to incarnate only for a certain time to experience matter), medical, psychological…
I wondered what my responsability was in this event.
At the same time, my husband’s grandmother died and I attended the funeral two days after my operation. My husband’s father has a twin… I had just lost twins and twins had just lost their mother. It was disturbing…
The 5 godesses care
Back home, I made an appointment with Louis Coret, a practitioner in TCM (traditional Chinese medicine) to make a video about him for our channel Kami live. My husband was there to film and it was a good thing because in the miscarriage the man is also concerned. I had stomach pains, like daggers inside, and I thought to myself that the curettage may have left traces or that the uterus was recovering, it may have been emotional too. It is difficult to know or even to find information on this subject.
Louis offered me a care of the 5 goddesses, a Miranda Grey technique (the blessing of the uterus) that he coupled with his training to help women reconnect to their inner voices. With the help of moxas (heated mugwort sticks), it stimulates key points in the stomach by flying over the skin. Each goddess corresponds to the archetypes of the periods of the moon’s cycle in women: the goddess, the girl, the mother, the enchantress and the witch. I was able to perceive where I was with regard to the miscarriage, I was able to access my subconscious through these archetypes.
He then advised my husband and I to do a ritual: make each of the dolls out of straw, wood, grass, whatever we want, to represent the twins. The father is also part of it even if he experiences it differently. And bury them so that we can let go of the emotions we had for this pregnancy (hope, fear, disappointment, denial, sadness, guilt…). We did it and I felt something very strong, my head was spinning.
The wandering souls
Afterwards, I made an appointment with a kinesiologist to work on this issue. She is also clairvoyant so she felt that the twins’ souls were still there. They went back and forth between heaven and earth because they felt my guilt. I saw them too, they were on either side, she helped me to bring them up to the light. The guilt was hidden in my subconscious and I didn’t realize how much I was living it because I was trying to move on…
A new beginning
In February 2017 (6 months later) I am pregnant again. I’m happy and at the same time I’m freaking out. When I arrived around 1 and a half month old, I felt the same feelings of dagger in my stomach, I had small bleeding, I wondered if my child was dead or alive.
At the same time, I started working on the visual identity of the website of Nicolas and Anne Ena Bernard’s, two dance therapy therapists. Nicolas invites me to test their new card game which allows me to get answers to daily questions. I explain to him my current problem, my fears. I draw a card and he advises me to talk to my child rather than impose a binary question on him. To involve him somehow, whether he is alive or dead, he is there and he has a message to give.
At that moment I relaxed and connected with my child. The image of a golden flower blooming came into my head. With this « He’s alive! » intel.
Which was confirmed on my first ultrasound, I saw that he had the right size, the heart beating, it surprised me a little bit because I still had the memory of the last echo where it was difficult to locate the twins. I smiled with joy and relief.
As I finished writing this article I still felt bad and wondered if it was useful to write about it and if I was reviving something that could not be cured. I realized that I was missing a dimension, a reason behind this event to accept it. I don’t believe in chance, I feel that everything is intertwined in the universe.
I asked David, an alumnus of Serge Boutboul’s course (A course on how to master psychic abilities) in which I participated, to ask the guides for me, doing it myself being too difficult given my involvement in them. My husband and I were not ready, not open enough to welcome these children, that the future child needed us to be more evolved so that he could accomplish his mission of life on earth. He saw that in another life I was a young boy who harassed others, that I had to learn compassion. That I was a healer and that experiencing pain allowed me to better understand my patients, to be compassionate. That’s exactly how I felt after the miscarriage, that it really wasn’t something I could imagine without having experienced it. As a result, I felt a greater tolerance and gentleness towards the suffering of others. David saw my chakras open completely after the miscarriage, a great connection with the universe.
I understood why I wrote this article, it allowed me to explore an aspect that was still in the shadows and that it was good to do it now because I was beginning to forget what happened.
To Helen who gave me a shamanic drumming session at a wellness fair and told me that a pregnancy might come back within 3 months and she was right! Her warm and respectful approach made me feel good.
Miscarriage is a subject we hear little about, even though it affects many women. It creates a lot of emotions, maybe more than a disease because it involves the creation of a being and therefore one can have the impression of carrying a great responsibility. More than anything else, it highlights our relationship to birth, death and parenthood. It is a very special event where you go from life to death in a very short time.
A subject that deserves to be explored and treated more broadly, as well as everything related to women’s cycles and pregnancy, with all the dimensions that this entails in order to be better experienced and understood.
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