Right now I feel like I’m in a funnel. If I do something that doesn’t really fit me, it doesn’t work. It is a time of slowness, of routine, of reflection. A moment that pushes me to be honest, entirely myself and not « perfect » as I tried to do before.
The problem I have been facing for quite some time and which is regularly presented to me is my difficulty in being honest with myself. I sometimes do it according to what I think is « good ».
As a result, when my husband tells me I’ve wronged him, I have a lot of difficulty accepting this, since it takes me out of my illusion of being perfect. I take out the super warrior defense gear: frowning, denial, changing the subject and take the opportunity to tell what I haven’t been able to make him for a while and prove that he too is not perfect. In short, I close the hatches, don’t want to hear that one of my behaviors made him suffer so the conflict escalades since my husband’s need to be understood is not received… If I am stressed, tired, I tend to react in this way. If I feel good, solid, calm, I receive his requests more easily.
It is all the more difficult because just before he shows me his love and so I go from the goddess on a pedestal with her hair in the wind to the imperfect creature walking on his feet without paying attention. My inner child is afraid of abandonment, of rejection, death… It is probably what happens in my unconscious but by reflex it is Mrs anger that comes out to defend the abused child.
The funny thing about all this is that he doesn’t want to destroy me, he wants to be heard and taken into account. From the moment I understand his request and pay attention to his need he moves on to something else. He receives criticism very well because most of the time he is not surprised, he is very critical of himself and vigilant. He is also strong enough to take it and know that it doesn’t affect his value.
I know few people who are able to receive criticism without feeling attacked and belittled. It may be due to education, where there is such a high demand for results that the slightest mistake is punished in an exemplary way. It may also be due to the fact that self-love is not big enough to allow people to receive criticism without feeling devalued.
For a long time I adopted the passive aggressive attitude, a form of diplomacy to avoid conflict, to appear « perfect » and integrated. In short, to have peace. There are situations where I was able to do it without any problem, and other situations where it didn’t help me to play this game. I think back in particular to this episode in my life as an employee when I was unable to tell colleagues that their attitude was difficult for me to bear. In short, an atmosphere made up of gossip where nothing is said face-to-face, where sometimes there is so little listening that it is discouraging to talk about the subject.
Lately I have been dealing with people who did not have a clear attitude towards me. At first I was afraid to ask what was going on, afraid that the answer would imply a mistake on my part. I finally asked because I had this painful flash back from my life as an employee. I said to myself, « Never again. Never again do I find myself in a position where, for fear of being rejected, I mask my emotions while suffering internally. » Whether there is an answer or not, what is important is that I managed to do the process and get out of the role of the elusive one. (See the article on the 5 wounds)
So what now?
NVC (non-violent communication) is interesting but not always easy to put into practice given our upbringing. It’s a long way to go. It also depends on who you’re dealing with. The hardest part is to forgive yourself and understand that no matter what you do, there are infinite consequences. All we can do is do our best and according to the necessity of the moment. Appreciate the progress we make through the feedback we receive from life and the people around us.
Perfection is not of this world. Quite simply because we are in a world in perpetual movement and creation. It is the meeting of our contradictory forces that creates the dynamics of life. This is what makes it possible for us to live adventures that allow us to evolve. A perfect situation is motionless, nothing happens. A plant to grow needs sun and water, it is the yin and yang, complementary forces that form the unit.
Accepting criticism that resonates fairly is being honest, honest with yourself and others. It is to assume one’s responsibilities because it takes two to dance a tango, if there is conflict it is because there is an echo of each other’s wounds.
It is a great tool for evolution because everything is a mirror of who we are. To be integrated, unified does not mean fixed, but composed of life cells that collide, feed, destroy and are reborn.